For the last couple of years I have been thinking about whether and how to share this profoundly personal post. Do I begin by introducing my readers to Ayahuasca – traditional sacred plant medicine used by indigenous cultures of the Amazon basin since the ancient times? Do I share the details of the healing path that led me to discovering it? How do I express the depth of knowingness and the certainty of the inner calling to experience it? How do I put into words what the experience was like when it seems to defy all language? How do I express the insights that were revealed to me when I am still being taught and guided by them every single day? Do I add a disclaimer that I am not propagating anything to anyone, unless they feel intuitively called within and are ready to do the inner work that comes with this powerful invitation to awaken? What if I am gravely misunderstood or reveal “too much” about myself and my own shadows? Is this even something that can or should be shared with anyone?
And yet lately something within me is beginning to feel restless. It is as if the words just want to be released without any further excuses, editing or explaining. I feel like I am being called to trust that whoever needs to connect with the meaning behind these words, they will find what they are looking for. In the meantime, I will have stepped forward into another inspired action and allowed the flow of something that feels authentically true to me.
Therefore, I have decided to share about this experience exactly how I shared it with my mom the morning after the ceremony. I recorded our conversation back then because I knew how fleeting the impressions can be, just in case I wanted to revisit my own words later. Below is the translated transcript of our conversation.
May we all continue to listen to and trust our own guidance within.
Mom: So, you have already had the experience. At night I thought I was going to die, I felt something so intense, all night long. I don’t know if there was some kind of synchronization. Can I ask – did the shaman lead you into this journey or was it something you did on your own?
Asta: I will try to somehow put my feelings into words. This is my experience because there were people who had a great night, perhaps felt a little sad, etc. My experience was such – imagine – like everything that has ever happened in this Universe, whatever and whenever it existed, exists and will exist appears in front of you. All the faces, all the faces that have ever existed, every cell that has ever divided, every animal, every plant, every tree, every colour, every iteration, every pattern, every fractal, every sound, every smell, everything. I entered the Source. I understood how everything is from the perspective of the Source, what it all looks like in the Consciousness of God, in the Highest Possible Awareness. “I” disappeared. “I” dissolved. “I” disappeared so horribly. It was horrible. The body melts. The body begins to fall, to crack, to come apart into atoms. It completely dissolves. Completely. You cannot finish a sentence. You cannot say three words in a row. You begin to say “I” and it disappears. “I” and the sentence bends. “I” and it becomes liquid. “I” – you try to somehow define yourself, and it all turns into colours, or some face. And everything is happening at such intense speed. At such intense speed.
I had many memories return from giving birth. It is like giving birth, but maybe a gazillion bazillion times more, more, more, and more. And it’s as if everything to which you try to attach dissolves.
Everything started in a very interesting way, with such ease. I was feeling really well, in very high vibrations. Everything was really slow. The beginning of the ceremony took hours. All of us lying down on the mattresses, chatting and sharing – a strange and interesting atmosphere. When it starts, the lights go out. It first begins with an infusion of another plant which opens up the awareness for what comes next. I understood the story of Adam and Even and why this knowledge is forbidden. Because this is the tree of knowledge. It is forbidden in many countries because if this was tried by all people, or all leaders of the world, all of the world’s problems would be solved in one night. Totally and completely.
So first you drink that other drink. The flavours to me were not unpleasant. They are very strong, very strong, but very earthy. This plant has existed for millions of years, it is not that it was cultivated recently. Nobody knows where it came from. It existed before the times of the dinosaurs. It’s a type of liana living in the jungle, and it was already breathing before humanity began. And when you receive this plant, you receive and open up to everything that it knows and to all that it has experienced. And it’s like it decomposes you. It knows what you want, and you absolutely cannot deceive it.
In the beginning it was all very interesting. Such beautiful visions, fractals, flicker, sparkle, such an interesting feeling. And I discovered that when I breathed, a rythmic breath through my mouth, every time I would get lost, I could return to breathing. And you understand then that the only thing that defines you as existing is breathing. Breath is life, breath is living, breath is being alive. All the time this same phrase repeating – it is what is alive, it is what is alive. And it was as if through the exhale I would briefly return to myself, over and over again.
And then the next stage of “thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, I trust you, I trust you”. When that plant arrived, I felt that it simply needed to be thanked in advance because what it would give me was what I needed. I didn’t even know what I needed. I had written down some questions, all the questions were crumbled up and shredded. Everything was explained and shown, everything expressed. And then that breathing, breathing, breathing. And now I don’t remember the time stages but then there was a second invitation to drink again, because you can drink multiple times throughout the night. We had been told that if you feel a strong “no” within, then it is a “no”. But if you felt a “maybe”, then it was a “yes”. If you were not sure, the invitation was to go drink again.
I nearly crawled to drink it. There was such KNOWING that whatever was happening had to take place. I drank it and returned back to my space. And then it begins. I can no longer locate my anchor of breath. I cannot find what is “I”. Just before this – because this started at the very end. Just before this, I experienced THE. ENTIRE. LOVE. OF. THE. UNIVERSE. The Entire Love of the Universe. Into every cell of me, into every sliver of my DNA waterfalls, WATERFALLS of Love. I was told – YOU HAVE NO IDEA, you have no idea how loved you are. We have NO IDEA how loved we are. You know how much you love me as a mom, how much I love my daughter, it is minuscule drop in comparison. Everything, every tiny hair, every little nail, every little crack on your skin, every hair is – I can’t… I can’t even express what it feels like. I cried and I cried and I cried like this. Because it just poured and poured and poured and poured and poured in such waterfalls that you can die from Love, from the amount of it. To die will be such a magnificient thing because you return there. And it’s such an incredible feeling.
There is nothing that is unloved. There is nothing, there is nothing that is unloved. There is nothing that is bad or good. There is nothing that is bad or good. This is our definition. Everything is only flickering in a giant game, flickering in a gigantic Consciousness. Through my eyes I saw what it sees. To have doubts about something or to think will this or that happen to me, will I meet the person I have to meet or not, it is so silly. Everything is so silly. I laughed from my stupid thoughts about the doubts and the questions, about the wisdom that I thought I had achieved, because everything is so minuscule, each one of our perspectives.
And then after all of this, I had this thought within – you see, this whole experience with this plant was wonderful, everything, well, sort of “under control“. I kept returning to my “thank you, thank you”, to my breathing. The shamans constantly sing, these looping overlapping songs that keep spinning, about everything – about Jesus and about “our plant” and “you are our medicine” and “thank you” and “I love my shortsightedness”. And then suddenly you think, did I first think about shortsightedness or did he first sing about it in a song? “I love my little skin” and “I love my little legs”, and it spins and spins over and over again like diving. And then suddenly, when everything begins to calm down, when the energy begins to wind down, and the voices change, and the songs are lighter, I become SO SICK. But so… Suddenly, I feel an enormous urge to vomit. But forget what you think vomiting is. This is like… when a sound comes from you as if you are an Amazonian toad, the size of the entire Earth. The most horrible roaring sounds. And suddenly you realise that your entire life you have been covered with shit. Your entire life. That Love, you are that Love.
Because I asked, my question was, “show me what I look like having achieved the purpose of my life.” The answer was – “YOU BEING HERE AND NOW, YOU HAVE ALREADY ACHIEVED EVERYTHING THERE EVER NEEDS TO BE ACHIEVED. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. YOU ARE PERFECT LOVE. YOUR ONLY JOB IS, YOUR ONLY JOB HERE IS TO BE THE CHANNEL FOR THIS LOVE. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. NOT GOALS, NOT CAREERS, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. THE ONLY PURPOSE THAT YOU HAVE HERE IS TO LET THROUGH THIS LOVE THAT COMES THROUGH YOU. THAT IS IT.”
And when you understand who you are – that you are Love – then you return back to see who you are not. All these pieces that you have collected throughout your life, like “What will so-and-so think about me if I post that thing on the Instagram?”, or what my granny thought, or the priest thought, you realise it is such SHIT. Such crap, such garbage that you need to vomit out, to purge it out of every cell of your entire being, to get rid of it, to clean it out, to release it all. All of it has to be thrown out because it is a complete illusion. Absurdity. Complete disgustingness. How can you pretend like this, how can you accept that you are all that? You are not that. How can you try to control it all like this? I understood how much of my life I live in what others think about me. I thought I didn’t care that much about what others think, but I saw how covered I was with this “what will others think?”.
And then suddenly I have a thought, “What will it look like, if now I…?” – well, it’s not a straighforward thought but it shows up as a feeling of shame – “What is happening? Everyone is calming down, and for me it’s the worst part. I am roaring here like a frog.” Many people threw up, it’s impossible to describe the sounds with words. But suddenly it starts for me. And I don’t understand what is going on. I don’t understand what is going on. And I have a thought that I need to move towards the bathroom. And I don’t know anymore where my hands are, nor my legs, nor my body. Everything around is intertwined, everything disappears. And I begin to crawl. I can only feel that I am crawling, but I don’t know if I am really crawling, but I think I am. I just keep moving through the floor towards the bathroom. And then suddenly I remember that they had told us that if you feel really unwell, call for help. If you are really unwell. I attempt to stand up in the darkness because everything is quite dark. I had taken out my contact lenses, but even contacts would have had nothing to do with this, it was like I no longer had eyes. And then somehow I scream out, and I don’t even know how loudly, whether I was shouting the whole time. Because in the morning afterwards everyone was saying “you had a big night”. I begin to shout, “I need help, I need help, I need help”. I see how he is coming, in these flickers, the shaman gets near. And he spent with me, I don’t know how long, the rest of the night. He kept returning. His voice was helping me return, “You are here”. Such peace, as if the Entire Universe, from the very Centre of the Universe were to tell you, “I am here. All of this will finish. And you will again live your life. You are here. All is well. You need this. If you want, don’t stop it, if you want to vomit, don’t stop it, if you want to go to the bathroom, don’t stop it.” I am here. I am here. I begin to touch his face, give him kisses and hugs, repeating “please, help me, please, help me”, in all the languages, Lithuanian, English, Polish. Something is happening in the bathroom, I don’t know if I am throwing up because I don’t know if there is anything coming out of me. But I am so nauseous and I need to go to the bathroom. It’s impossible to describe this. He tells me that if I need to go, I can pull down my trousers myself, but continues to be very present and supportive. I felt so thirsty. I wanted water so badly. I thought I would die of thirst. I had never felt more thirsty in my life. I was pouring water on myself, my hands shaking. I don’t know how many cups of water he brought to me or what it all looked like.
Somehow, I return back to my space, he helps me lie down, gives me a hug. I keep thanking him for saving me. And then the next stage begins. Where I cannot return. I cannot return because I feel I have lost my mind. I am crazy. I am crazy. The thoughts are spinning over and over again, I cannot understand them. Am I coming back? How will we return home? I won’t return home. I don’t know if I have a daughter. What is a daughter? My fingers, here are my fingers. Where am I? Here are my fingers. Feeling like vomiting and nausea again. It’s like a carousel that you cannot get off of, and you know that you have already died 50 times. He kept coming to check on me. And everything is calming down and music is getting silent, people are nearly beginning to gently talk among themselves, exchange jokes. And I am still in that state and I cannot get out. I cannot return. And the whole time he was near. And when the ceremony closes, the plant spirit leaves. It is not something that is out of control. The shaman is the one who – you can’t say controls it – but tells it that it is over and closes the energy.
Little by little I feel more and more moments of “I am here. My fingertips. Here is water to drink.” And then go back to the whole spinning of “I am a frog”. Back and forth, back and forth. And then SUCH ecstasy takes over. Such ecstasy. I am sitting and holding one of my hairs between my fingertips. And the feeling is that I have never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. I am touching one hair. Everything is good. Everything is quieting down. Everyone is around. This was what I needed. I experienced, if you could say so, the biggest embarrasment, shame. Completely. The whole desire to appear a certain way to the entire world, it was all crumbled up to pieces, there was nothing left. I had gone crazy for a night. Completely, completely let go of all thought, all sanity, all “image”, of what others think, of “am I not disturbing them?”. Later at the end, when I was lying down, I thanked them all within myself for this space. That all the others who participated in the ceremony allowed me to experience what I expierenced.
And now everything is so… much. My dog is breathing so loudly, I noticed when we went for a walk. My daughter is so interesting. Everything is so strange. Everything is so sensitive in my eyes and my hearing. I have a tiny tiny headache, although it has nearly passed. I slept a little when I came back. My daughter never sleeps in the morning but she lay down next to me and slept for two hours. I needed that.
Mom: This is so interesting. You know they all say, all teachers, that we are not the body, we are the Source of Love, you know? The light within, we have this light from the Creator, so that we too can create. Even in Church they have Christ’s heart as a symbol. This is very beautiful. I am not sure whether you’ve seen Samadhi with Peter Marchand. He explains how through meditation it is possible to arrive to Source where you no longer exist, where you are nothing. And when you are returning, he says, the question is – “What are you going to do with all of that? What will you do with all that you brought back? What will you do with all of that? What will it all be like?” It’s very interesting.
Asta: Yes. I don’t know. On the one hand, the feeling is like there is nothing more extraordinary in life than to experience this, but at the same time I would never recommend it. If they don’t feel the calling within themselves, it’s the same like recommending someone to give birth to a child.
Mom: Many people don’t understand, they think it’s something to try. We all understand these things so differently. Some people will simply say it’s a “drug”, and it’s stupid. One has to be ready for everything. And it’s not for everyone. Would you do it again?
Asta: It’s like after you’ve just given birth, there is no desire to do it again right away. They say it takes a while until all that has been experienced integrates. So for now, no. At one point during the actual ceremony, I was thinking “never again”, once is more than enough – that was the feeling. But it was very interesting to listen to others and to the shaman, who have had this experience many times, that this is not something that forms an addiction. The doses do not increase over time, it always works the same. But each time it’s an inner journey, and some people feel it is their calling to follow that path. It is where they find inspiration, where they can open up to this Love more and more. It’s not that this door is kicked wide open for everyone during their first time. For some people it’s a long path and they accept this plant as their master teacher.
Mom: Now that you’ve experienced it, you will comprehend what Unconditional Love means, something that many simulate but few understand.
Asta: There were some very interesting insights about some people in my life. About different family members and friends.
Mom: So you were able to collect some fragments of answers to your questions?
Asta: You can try to squeeze in some questions, but that plant will give what is needed. The experience was very different in different phases. The experience is that you become everything, you become everything. You are all, and you and me and my father.
Mom: Yes, oneness. When we talk, we focus on the body but this is all on the spiritual level. All energy is the same.
Asta: Your words sound so funny to me now. It sounds really funny what you are saying. It’s such a strange feeling.
Mom: You will probably be in a different state for a few days.
Asta: For example, regarding my daughter. I asked how I could be a better mom to her. And the answer came back like a waterfall, like a blast, with all that Big Bang of Love from which the whole Universe begins, saying, “ENOUGH. It is all enough. You are such a good mom. There is nothing else that you can give her than what you are giving her now. And that is it. Don’t look for anything else. You have already done what you had to do. She is already complete, just love her and that is it.” I was shown her future. How happy she was, how free, how expressive, how creative, as a young woman.
Mom: But this is all so beautiful. Somehow it seems to me that this energy comes from the very primal beginning, extends to who we have become and what we have embodied, and it always somehow finishes what we couldn’t do. For example, you often say you feel that what happens to your daughter is exactly what happened to you when you were little. And you don’t want her to have those experiences that you didn’t like. That whole energy is somehow perfected through the child, as if you were the one experiencing it. Or in a physical sense, if someone, for example, wanted to dance but could not, then they allow their daughter to do it. And the daughter takes it on, likes it. Of course, this is just an example. But that’s where it comes from, in each generation, all parents always seek to give to their kids from their environment that which they couldn’t realise themselves. To give everything that has been important to them in their life, all the best things from their environment. Did some insight come about me?
Asta: About you came “well, she is next” (i.e. to experience the ceremony), a similar thought to that. And then followed by a thought “don’t tell her, don’t tell her that”, as it is not something you can recommend to anyone. It’s so strange. Because everything disappears – fear of death, worries about pension. You just see how good it is, how good it is to return there. It doesn’t even matter how one dies – maybe alone with their cat or without a cat, with pension or without one, or even on the side of the pavement somewhere in Nepal. It is so good to die.
Mom: That’s so interesting. Sometimes I experience what those mystics say, or Osho who is sometimes seen as controversial, this idea that enlightenment is a gift, a return to Source. And most importantly, it’s the disappearance of duality, to learn to live without duality. Not that something is good or something is bad, just simply being a witness, you have to be an observer. How did your family react to it, your husband?
Asta: He listened to me with stillness and curiosity and allowed me to talk. But this is one of those things like when you return from some epic journey and it just doesn’t fit into words.Tags: Ayahuasca Ayahuasca ceremony healing healing journey plant medicine psychedelic